WASHINGTON – The Economic Recovery Act passed today in the House by a vote of 349 to 62. The ERA makes it illegal for the economy to “do poorly.” Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, said “We wanted to send a clear message to the economy that poor performance will not be tolerated.” If convicted of doing poorly the economy could face up to five years in prison.
Long thought by many to be completely incompetent and corrupt, Congress has today shown its true merit. By passing the ERA, Congress has taken decisive action to solve the economic crisis, halt the recession, and restore prosperity. Once signed into law the ERA guarantees a return of economic prosperity because it will be required by law. The ERA directs the economy to grow at “not less than 5% per year” and requires the economy to create a minimum of “2 million new jobs every year.” With the new prosperity brought about by the ERA, unemployment will soon vanish and wages will increase.
Outgoing president Bush has already stated he plans to sign the bill into law. Bush is reported to have said, “I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before. It’s such a great idea.” Demonstrating that he is no lame duck, Bush is already several steps ahead of Congress. “Top intelligence sources tell me that the economy has already left America and moved overseas. According to the CIA, the economy was last seen in China.” President Bush is concerned that we may be facing more than just a recession and, in fact, may be dealing with a “rogue economy.”
President elect, Barack Obama, when asked to comment on the ERA, stated, “My middle name is change,” and flew away on a rainbow.
The economy was available for comment; however this reporter must first learn to speak Chinese before he can communicate with the economy.
On a related note, the Mexican economy was recently apprehended trying to illegally enter the country.