The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
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next time a guy asks me if i’ve watched “the wire” i’m gonna lie n say yes & then immediately demand if he’s seen “broad city”
— caitlin white (@harmonicait) September 4, 2017
I really hate when ppl switch their profiles between public and private. Either let me creep on you or dont. Stop playing mind games with me
— Astrid Loch (@astrid_loch) September 1, 2017
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 8, 2017
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 6, 2017
No one ever mentioned that the rapture would last this long.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) September 6, 2017
The true cultural divide:
My Red State Dad: “Well but nobody likes the Dixie Chicks…”
Me, shook: “EVERYBODY likes The Dixie Chicks.”
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) September 6, 2017
My favorite position is hovering over the sink eating a bag of shredded cheese
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) September 1, 2017
MY SISTER TEACHES CELLO
SHE REPORTS THAT HER NEW STUDENTS CALL SHARPS “HASHTAGS”
CONCERTO IN F HASHTAG
— Marian Call (@mariancall) September 6, 2017
I need a massage and 16 million dollars.
— Draya Michele (@drayamichele) September 6, 2017
[tries to do something basic with a google product]
[finds forum of 7 years of people with the same unresolved problem]
— wikipedia brown (@eveewing) September 6, 2017
house hunting shows are more effective at calming a panic attack than xanax. i am soothed by other people’s terrible choices.
— Stephanie Marcus (@stephaniemarcus) September 8, 2017
Nursery rhymes are to poetry what pop songs are to music. They make no sense, they’re super catchy, and only kids like them.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 8, 2017
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
— Julz&offee (@lovejulieacafe) September 1, 2017