I know you’re not dumb, because you’re reading this column. But I’m witless enough for both of us, and I can prove it. Among the long list of really dumb things I’ve done, here are 10 that I came up with in a flash:
1 Look for my phone while I was actually talking on it. Yes, I have done this more than once. The corollary is looking for my eyeglasses while they’re on my head, and spending all morning searching for my house keys. On that fateful day, daughter, Curly Girl, walked in the door after work and I blurted out, “I lost my keys! Help me find them!” She gave me a dubious look and asked, “Did you look in your bra?” I stick my hand inside my shirt. Oops. There they were.
2. Watch the Real Housewives of Orange County. Back in 2006, my columnist friend Frank kept writing about this new Bravo TV show, so I decided to tune in, and then I couldn’t stop watching. It was like witnessing a train wreck. I thought the first season would surely be the last, because once those women got a gander at how awful they were portrayed on screen, they’d all quit and move to a convent in Europe. Instead, they became celebrities. I kept watching for awhile to see what ridiculous thing they’d do next, but finally got tired of their manufactured antics.
3. Get into debt while young. At age 20, I had a chance to study at the Sorbonne and strut around Paris in a beret, posing as an intellectual, speaking bad French and eating croissants. But I’d foolishly gotten a student credit card while at university and ran it up buying necessities of life, like record albums and new boots, so dreams of studying abroad were dashed.
4. Smoke cigarettes. You’d think any habit that makes you double over and cough uncontrollably would not be worth acquiring, but I couldn’t wait to smoke. I desperately wanted to be cool, so I stole my parents’ packs and practiced until I thought I looked sophisticated. Then, it took me decades of misery to quit.
5. Break up with a guy because he fell too madly in love with me. Yeah. I might be married right now. Great guy, funny, level-headed, smart, but he scared the bejesus out of me when he wanted me to meet his parents after only dating for a month. I still think about that one when I see friends whose husbands adore them. Gee. What’s that like?
6. Drugs. Enough said.
7. Keep a storage locker full of junk. I sold my vacation home…