So, my friends, it’s the time of year when lots of us make resolutions, and I’m no exception. However, I’ve reached the age of wisdom, which means I now only make promises to myself that I think I can actually keep.
So, here they are:
I will get on the bathroom scale every morning, no matter how much I’m forced to curse at the result.
I will stop expecting “Star Wars” movies to be entertaining.
I will keep doing things that are inappropriate for women my age, though I draw the line at going to Coachella. I remember one newscaster, forgive me for forgetting your name, suggesting that people without tickets could just take off their bras, smear dust all over themselves and pee in their backyards and have the whole experience for free. I do that every day anyway, so I’m set.
I will faithfully walk at least 87 steps a day – the exact distance from my desk to the refrigerator. (Fitbit, anyone?)
I will stop buying things with my credit card on Amazon just because I get free Prime shipping.
I will think seriously about going to the gym. Every day. Then, I will actually go. At least, most of the time.
I will clean the pile of clutter off the breakfast bar, so at least we have one tidy space to eat. The dining room table is hopeless, as the top hasn’t been sighted for years under the piles of paperwork and magazines, but I still have hope for the breakfast bar.
I will not meet with any emissaries from Russia, even if they tempt me with those cute nesting wooden dolls.
When I drive past the lair of the devil, also known as the See’s Candy store, I won’t slam on my brakes and look in the window, requiring the person behind me to also slam on his brakes.
At their request, I will quit referring to my young adult children as “you kids,” unless they are actual goats, which sometimes seems the case.
When I’m in the hot tub at my gym, and an elderly man wearing bathing trunks and a baseball cap gets in next to me and starts talking loudly on his mobile phone, using the speaker, I will continue to point out to him that it’s annoying but when he starts telling me to shut up, I won’t get in an argument with him. I’ll just remind myself I got in there to relax, and he’ll never let me have the last word anyway.
At least once this year, I will remember to bring earplugs to rock concerts, keeping in mind that I lost much of my hearing…