Hello, It Is I, The Man Who Blew Every Last Cent Of His Fortune On Booze, Women And Movies

Over the weekend, I was flipping through the Des Moines Register while taste-testing two fine American craft beers when I saw an article that piqued my interest. It was about proposed alterations to the federal estate tax. GOP Iowa Sen. Chuck Grassley argued that the tax, as it stands now, unfairly benefits those who have spent every single penny they have ever earned on booze, women and movies.

Surrounded by empty bottles of expensive vodka and thousands of dollars’ worth of Blu-Ray discs, not to mention the dozen or so women I had paid to keep me company the previous night, I couldn’t help but wonder: Was Chuck talking about me?

Over the course of my life, I have made millions, and I have blown every single dollar on three things and three things only: booze, women and movies. Had I managed my money more carefully, perhaps by now I could aspire to be among the 5,000 or so dead Americans to whom the estate tax actually applies each year. But because of a crippling addiction to throwing every last cent at alcohol, the ladies and, most of all, $20 IMAX screenings, I do not have a penny to my name, as of this writing.

People often ask me, “Do you ever tire of forking over two-fifths of your paycheck to AMC Theatres every month?” The answer is no. Because I love the movies, almost as much as I love regularly purchasing overpriced bottles of Scotch. Sure, some people might find it odd that I paid to watch “Daddy’s Home 2” 14 times over one nine-day stretch in November. But those same people wouldn’t know that the film is best experienced during a Sunday matinee, accompanied by a fleet of women I found on Craigslist and capped off with a glass of that $1,000 bottle of gin I purchased because it had sweet-looking Harley-Davidson parts inside it.

It seems obvious Chuck could not have been speaking about regular Americans when he brought up booze, women and movies in his conversation with the Des Moines Register. A regular American could avoid all three things for an entire lifetime and never be close to the $5.5 million-plus in assets it takes to owe the estate tax.

I, however, should get there, and I have had my moments of self-doubt when I wonder how it could be that one of the top earners in the continental United States can possibly, month after month, year after year, spend every dollar he earns on, again, booze, women and movies. But then I place those concerns to the side, open up Tinder and take yet another woman to yet another viewing of…

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