Dysfunctional Relationships: Why Do We Attract Them?

I think to one degree or another, if we are not currently in one, we have all been in a relationship that is dysfunctional or abusive. So here, I am going to give my current understanding, based on my experiences and observations, of why I think they exist and what is going on at a deeper level.

The typical perspective is that there is a victim and a perpetrator. With the perpetrator being at fault and the victim being completely innocent. Now, on the surface level, we can all see that this is the case and that action needs to be taken accordingly.

However, the question I ask is – does this perspective empower us or does it make us feel completely powerless? Constantly living in the fear that a perpetrator will come into our life and make it a misery. I also ask; how is it that a perpetrator has more power than a victim? Do we automatically gain more power over others and in the world by becoming a perpetrator?

From my experience, I believe this is a two way occurrence and that it is symbiotic. I don’t believe though, that we consciously attract these kinds of relationships into our life. This all happens through what is going on unconsciously for us. What resides in our unconscious, is everything we have repressed about ourselves, which it is too painful for us to currently look at. This whole process of repression happens throughout our life and as time goes by we can quiet easily forget about everything that’s stored there.

When it comes down to the quality of our relationships, our perception of ourselves is monumental. I believe this self image is initially built on how our parents or caregivers treated us, which of course comes from how they treated and saw themselves. So in many ways, it could be said that we can end up with the same level of self worth as they had.

After everything that has happened to us in our childhood, the last thing we want to do is dig up the past and relive what happened to us, especially if it was traumatic. We quite naturally want to move on and do our best to forget such moments. And this is where our problems start to arise. Although we want to move on from the past and embrace the future or more importantly the present moment, out life will always be a reflection of our past, unless we have released our past pain.

This is why life can seem like the same every day, as although we have pushed down our past, so our awareness of it is just about gone; it is still there, until we take the time to release it. It might…

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